Looking back in time, it's only too obvious that most of my diet dilemmas focused around a special event, such as a wedding, birthday or reunion. I was quite comfortable in sweat pants and tee shirts when I had nowhere to go. And in the privacy of my own home it was somehow acceptable to wear a little donut powder on my face instead of makeup.
Why didn't I learn my lesson? Why didn't I realize when the birthday guests all mistook me for the party clown, that I needed a big change? Why didn't I set in memory all those grueling, depressing and laughable hours and days I spent in front of dressing room mirrors sucking in and pushing up and contorting my body into something it sadly could not be? Why did every diet start with an upcoming wedding and end immediately after the reception?
And so now, people, there is a wedding on the horizon - and it's too close to think I might possibly forego the torture of squeezing into a dress that does a hideous job of camouflaging my bumps, bellys and blimp-like features. I've got to go into battle again. And it's a thought I'd rather not think.
Oh, I have an idea in my head what I'm looking for. I see clearly in my minds eye the fabric, flow and fantasy of a beautiful dress. But when I'm stuck in that little room with twenty possibilities and a full length mirror, I realize I'm suffering from delusions that can only be hushed by hibernating six months without substanance.
Shopping for clothes when you are overweight is a chore. It's like looking for that proverbial needle in a haystack, or in my case, that parachute in a ocean of parachutes. It's not fun.
Will it show my arms? Will my knees roll out when I sit? Does it highlight my back fat? Do I look pregnant? Is this too much cleavage? Too tight? Too young? Too busy? Too short?
I console myself with the knowledge that I am trying to lose weight. I haven't given up on stuffing
my feet into real shoes again,
I pat myself on the back ( oh, if only I could!) for the fact that I'm heading in the right direction. I'm serious about making it to my goals. I'm adamant that future weddings and celebrations will find me prepared and proud.
We all need something to strive for, live for, work toward. Find that special yearning on the horizon and follow it. Someday you just might realize you are there. You've found it. It's yours.
And don't let anyone steal your dreams. They are what happiness is made of.